Bridesmaid's Nightmare

Do you like it? I hope not. If you like that dress then I have vastly misjudged your taste, we should not be friends and you should not be coming to my wedding. In addition please refrain from sending holiday cards, birthday greetings, or other communications that would imply we are more than mere acquaintances.

I kid! But not about bridesmaid's dresses. I recently got to enjoy a perverse sense of pleasure when I began attempting to work with with my bridesmaids on their outfits. Wanting to make it as easy as possible, I originally said they could wear whatever they wanted so long as it was in one of the two colors of the wedding (lilac/lavender and green). Then I realized how many shades there are of these colors (hence my inability to distinguish lilac from lavender). I also found out some of the maids were trying to coordinate with one another so they looked somewhat similar. At that point I just decided to see if there was something nice out there that they would all like and have them wear the same thing.

HAH! No easy task, as I am sure many brides-to-be have found. First thing is that not all my maidlets have the same body type.I've got everything in there from long and lean to compact and voluptuous and everything in-between. Styles that work on one person may not look good on another. And I didn't want it to be expensive. Several of these gals are flying to the wedding and the last thing I want to do is make them spend a lot of money on a dress. I also wanted it to something not hideous. That was where, once again, I ran into trouble.

Perusing the online catalogue of bridesmaids' dresses I realized I had made a tremendous mistake in selecting (condemning) the friends to walk down the aisle with me. Unlike the models I repeatedly came across, none of my bridesmaids are 5'11" and stick thin. Nor do they look good dressed like hookers, which was a standard style I came across. I definitely made a mistake choosing to get married outside in the height of July heat, as almost all of the dresses were form fitting floor length designs that will soak through with sweat in under 3 minutes. Plus, they were crazy expensive! None of what I came across would ever serve as anything other than as a bridesmaid dress. Unless one were invited to a Love Boat themed costume party, in which case they'd win hands down! Once again, my ire rose against the wedding industry, and I had to hold myself back from hurling the computer screen out the window (hopefully onto the head of some other bride-to-be, thus saving her from similar frustrations).

I began to resent my birdesmaids. How dare they agree to be in my wedding and burden me with this task!? I began to reconsider marrying Grant, as it was his desire to incorporporate more individuals into the wedding that caused my own wedding party to grow, increasing my problem exponentially (I started with my maid of honor and 2 bridesmaids and ended up with three more maids!). I cursed the entire wedding process (again) for creating these "traditions" of maids and dresses and even numbers! I began to empathize with the bridezillas I swore NOT to be, and became amused by their selection of hideous outfits for their attendants, which only stood to make the bride look lovelier. One of my coworkers found me cackling in front of the computer as I looked for the ugliest dresses I could find to make those selfish, thoughless women sorry for wanting to participate in my special day! I was only sorry that one of my attendants was a man and I had little say in what he could wear (although I did try to find the ugliest tie possible).

And then the next day after a bizarre nightmare involving my ex-boyfriend, a 3 story bar he used to own, and a fantasy in which my friend Betsy offered to let me share her own wedding reception because mine was ruined (thanks Bets!), I felt better. I sat with renewed calm and typed "affordable bridesmaids dresses" into the computer. God bless Google, I actually found some reasonably priced dresses that were both attracive and versatile. I ordered one, it came today, and it's pretty good if I do say so myself. Betsy is coming over to give it the once over, and if it meets with her approval it's what we will be going with. If I can actually pull this off I may end up making them wear the price tags on the outside of the dress as they walk down the aisle.

And if they don't like it I am going to make them wear this.