Vegans - Beware our Wedding!

I am going to apologize in advance to any vegans that might be attending the wedding for this post. Please do not feel the need explain to me that I am being unfair about vegan food, or that some Vegan food is good (like Connie will no doubt want to do because of her weakness for vegan donuts). First off, even I will admit even vegans can make a delicious chocolate torte. More importantly people need to keep in mind that while these posts are meant document what is going on with me/Grant during this whole crazy process they are also meant to be funny. The point of this post is just to share something that happened to me and how it will relate to the wedding. Besides, I couldn't think of anything else to write.

I was starving this morning when I went to work. I went to the gym first, and became even hungrier. I did not have a chance to go to the store this week, so I had to buy breakfast downtown. I get there – and I realize I left my debit card at home. I have no cash. I beg $10 in petty cash from the office manager and run downstairs with anticipation to get a yummy mushroom and cheese biscuit from the cool coffee shop across the street. I have also decided to drink some coffee with caffeine this morning because I am so tired from staying up late and watching the Olympics. I am very excited, because this is going to be much more delicious than my usual Luna Bar. Crap! The line is out the door. No way am I waiting for that, I am too hungry. So I settle for the next closest coffee shop, Peets, which I hate because their coffee is too bitter. But I am starving now.

I get there and decide to try get something healthy, even though I really want the cranberry walnut scone. I ask the girl behind the counter what the “Smart Muffin” is. She says it has really good stuff in it: carrots, ginger, nutmeg, oats, etc. Lots of calories but low in fat. I say ok and order what I know will be gross coffee. As she is putting it in the bag I ask her to wait a minute, because the scone is calling loudly to me. “NO!” I tell myself, “Eat the healthier thing!” I tell her to continue. As she goes to pour the coffee my hunger overtakes me and I can no longer wait for food. I rip a piece off the top of the muffin and eagerly cram it in my mouth.

After two chews I know something is wrong. Knowing the answer already I ask the girl “Is this vegan?” “”Oh, yes, is that important?” she asks, with this blank look on her face.

I cannot believe how fucking CLUELESS some people are! I ask you specifically about the product I am going to buy and you forget to mention that it has no butter or other animal products in it, which means it will be tasteless and have the consistency of sawdust? Why would I ever want to know that?! When I explain to her that I could tell from the taste it was vegan she says that she thinks the woman who makes these does a good job. I explain that regardless, I can always tell when I eat a vegan baked good. She says, “Yeah, me too,” and looks at me and smiles as if we can bond over that. She doesn’t realize that makes me want to throw the muffin in her face.

I didn’t do anything or try and return it because I had already tried it. But it was very frustrating because of all the effort that had gone into getting the freaking muffin and the build up. Plus, why is it a “Smart Muffin” because it's vegan? What an arrogant name! Am I somehow not as smart as a vegan because I actually want food that is edible? It’s one of the few occasions where the difference between Pdx and NY stands out. I wouldn’t be able to find a vegan muffin if I tried in NY! (Thankfully!) I will never go to Peets again, and I will always ask if any baked good I get in this town is vegan, because this is not the first time this has happened.

Ok, rant done. If this is the worst of my worries I live a blessed life. And it pretty much is.
However, this is a heads up to my vegan guests. After what happened today I can assure you that there will be little to no food suitable for vegans at the wedding. There might be salad. But I can't promise there won't be bacon on top.