Hostile Bride

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine recently about this blog. She commented that it had a "hostile" tone. I disagreed, and explained that it was supposed to be funny. You know, in that New York sarcastic humor sort of way, which is a part of who I am and has always accompanied my personal observations about life, love, and the pursuit of a new pair of shoes. I figured she just didn't "get" it. After all, she's from Indiana. What do they know about sarcasm?

Later that weekend I called my older sister and asked her if she thought it was hostile. She agreed, saying that it does come off sometimes as hostile. Well, I didn't want to hear that so when she started to get annoyed because she was trying to have a conversation with me while simultaneously giving her kids a bath, I told her she shouldn't pick up the phone when people call if she doesn't have time to talk to them. Then I hung up. (Unfortunately even now when talking to my sisters I can immediately be transported back in time to the age of 10 if we get into an argument. I'm working on it!)

What she said concerned me. She's from New York, and she agreed with Indiana. So I called a third person, my friend Connie in Seattle. I figured I should have feedback from as wide a demographic as possible. Plus, she gets my humor almost more than anyone else I have met since moving to the West Coast. To my surprise she said that while she totally gets what I write when I write it, it does come off as "hostile".

Which brings me to this blog entry. I feel compelled to clarify what this blog is about. It is not meant to be hostile. Snarky, perhaps. Sarcastic, definitely. Bitchy? Sure. But hostile, no way!

Maybe it's what that word means to me. It means having an angry attitude towards another, and undeservedly so. Sure, my entries sound a bit like rants, but in my defense (without being defensive) the process of getting married feels to me like something that absolutely deserves to have hostility directed towards it. It's incredibly time consuming. It's expensive. If you are someone who likes to be in control (read "anyone in the legal profession") it feels as if you are being assaulted by magazines and books and websites and hundreds of opinions from the outside telling you what you must do. And as I learned recently, the choices you make can spawn very emotional reactions by people who are neither the bride or the groom!

All of these things are the exact opposite of me. I am a "big picture" kind of gal. Details drive me insane. I don't have a lot of time on my hands to worry about what types of chairs or plates or water glasses I need for what is essentially just a big party. I like to be in the driver's seat, and I've seen several friends end up having weddings other than what they wanted to accommodate the wishes of friends and family. I want to get things done efficiently, with as little fuss or muss as possible, and I have learned over the years that many times the only way to do that is to do it myself. As a result I have a very direct and dispassionate approach to the actual wedding. Once the actual week of the wedding gets here it will be different. And it will be different because I will have taken care of everything well in advance so I don't have to worry.

I know, I know. "It takes a village," and marriage is all about "community". But right now I don't know of any other villagers marrying Grant or footing the bill for this puppy, so to me the whole "community" aspect of this will be the weekend of the wedding. When people are guests and can relax and enjoy the utterly stress free experience of our marriage. Until then, stay out of my way. (And please don't tell me to hire a wedding coordinator unless you are going to volunteer to pay for it, ok?)

Because of this approach I am going to have a more difficult time than some people who get married. When I take a minute to look at the vast fields of information out there available to would-be brides I see that what I want for our wedding is not what how I am "supposed" to do. This makes me defensive. I react negatively. It stresses me OUT. And that's ok.

My relief is this blog. I don't write about how happy I am all the time since Grant and I decided to get married, but I am. I don't go one and on about how every day I fall more in love with him, although I do. You will not read about how excited I was when I found my actual dress, or see a picture of it, because I don't need this for that. Those feelings are more personal, and I keep those to myself or I share them face-to-face. But this blog (for me) is to provide a brief respite from all the chaos that I seem to encounter when I take on a new task on the never ending "to do" list that comes with every wedding.

So if it helps consider this a "bitch blog". However, I will also try and keep in mind that if all you did was read this blog and never talked to me about what was going on you would have a pretty negative impression about how I feel about the wedding. I will try and keep this in mind and include "happy" thoughts and pieces of information as well. I vow, I will try and be less "hostile" and be more open to the idea of enjoying this process. Maybe when I read those magazine articles I should just think to myself how lucky I am that I am not getting suckered into having something that I am "supposed" to have vs. what I "want" to have. Maybe I should embrace the idea of friends and family helping me with what is the biggest event I have ever had to plan (and I have planned some big events). Perhaps, just perhaps, this is an opportunity to grow closer to those in my community, as we join forces together and work towards making my wedding day the happiest day of my life!

Yeah And maybe pigs will fly out of my ass.

Kidding!

Touchdown!

I just couldn't relax after my post about the invitation list. Comparing it to a rotting chicken really started to bug me, so we just went ahead and dove in last night. And as a result - we are DONE with the invite list! WOOHOO!

It's in excess of what we are allowed, technically. But when you count the people that will be "working" at the wedding it's closer. And the kids, seriously, they should count for 1/2 a person, don't you think? And we can't count us, right? And we really, really don't expect everyone to come. Seriously, if you can't make it, don't beat yourselves up. Send a card. It's fine!

We did have to take control of the kid factor. There were simply far too many to have them all there. And frankly, as much as we love kids I do not want to be running a day camp on the day of our wedding. I'm a bit of a control freak, and having FIFTY-TWO children on site will interfere with my day. While I am not a "bridezilla", on that day I want to be happy and focused on the things I want to focus on. Like getting the tables set up and decorated nicely. And making sure the sound is good for the band. And that there is enough liquor. And a shower would be good.

Anyway, the solution was that if you live in Portland and you child is not an infant (meaning 6 months or less), then you will have to leave them home. This will mean only TWENTY-NINE children will be there. The only exception is if the kid is in the wedding, and there are only two of those. If you are coming from out of town you can bring your kids. But it might also be a lovely time for them to visit Grandma and Grandpa! (Seriously. Consider it a wedding present to us, and yourselves, to leave your children home.)

Well, at least now I can relax. All I have to do now is figure out how many invitations I need. And make them. And how many tables and chairs. Oh yeah, and the seating arrangements. Can't forget the on-site sleeping situation. And arranging for hotels for those who won't be staying on site. And the honeymoon. Still gotta put all that together.

Hmmm. Did I say "relax"? :)

You want HOW much, for WHAT?!

Take a look at that picture for a moment. Ancient Egyptian scroll? Nope. Writings of a revered Greek scholar preserved through the ages? Wrong. Something out of the DaVinci Code? Wrong again. It's a freaking WEDDING INVITATION from some woman who got married in Toronto. On her blog she explained that with 60 people she thought she had been really thrifty with her $16,000 budget. $16,000?! For 60 people? Based on my initial research into what wedding invitations cost I have to assume 1/4 of that was for the invitations alone!

The more I dig into this wedding thing the more disgusted I become. Not with the vendors. I understand, people need to make a living (especially these days!). But what is wrong with the BRIDES? How can you let someone talk you into spending $4,000 on invitations!? It must be that these women go temporarily insane after they are proposed to. I think that's because they have bought into the fantasy idea of what getting married is about. Look, I don't mean to sound unromantic, but it's not all roses and kittens once you get married. That's when the hard work BEGINS. You are going to spend the rest of your life with someone. Think about how tumultuous your own life has been over the years. Now you have to deal with all that and whatever his issues will be? That's no piece of wedding cake, I know that and I haven't even been married!

You marry the person who you think you can best get through that stuff with. Thankfully, I have found the right person (and he found me!).





I went this weekend to look at what invitations would cost from some local print shop. First of all, apparently the idea of a wedding invitation is to kill as many trees as possible, what with the envelopes, the invitations, the pieces of velum that are apparently supposed to separate each piece of paper from the next, the rsvp cards, their envelopes, etc. Then you have to have the lettering imprinted onto the cards, rather than just printed (it's called "letterpress"). And of course, you want color. If you want you can have the lettering in actual gold leaf, and really, anything less would be so gauche, don't you think? Then there is the fact that most of the invitations are square, which cost more to mail. And you need to have information about lodging, the agenda, etc. It's never ending! By the time you are done you don't need to worry about the extra postage to send the square envelope because you are sending a package via UPS! When I looked at the cheapest option they had it was going to cost $1,000 for invitations. INVITATIONS! That's 10% of my budget, and that's just crazy!





My friend Betsy, who is getting married around the same time, offered to take a letterpress class. She would have our friend Kristi (who is also getting married) and I pay for the class, and she would make the invitations for us. That is a very nice offer, but I am having trouble seeing it for some reason. She is an amazing designer, and I know she would do a great job (better than I could do, I know). And it does sound better than using the office color copier at night and pilfering the bond paper.


Sigh. Live and learn. I'd just like to learn that the trappings that come with getting married are actually connected to the bond you are making with your partner, rather than the result of an overexcited princess running amok with the checkbook to create a fairy tale for one day.

Time is on my Side

At least, that's what I keep telling myself. That's why I haven't been blogging. Because there is nothing to do. Right?

I don't need to look at the guest list again. Even though it already has an excess of invitees on it. And Grant's Mom gave me a list of 9 folks they want to invite (don't take offense Penny, I'm just explaining how things are!). And my Dad wants me to invite his cousin Gene and his wife Marsha,who live in Bend, but who I have not seen since Easter 2007 when I am pretty sure Grant and I did a good job of alienating ourselves from the only relatives I have in the vicinity when we spent much of the meal they had invited us to talking about politics that I am pretty sure they did not agree with. And my Mom wants me to invite her best friend Gisella, and her friends Lilly and Alan. And to get the deal with the DJ I invited him as a guest (which I probably would have done anyway). And I just reconnected with my childhood friend Elena and her husband Michael who I would sooo love to have at the wedding because she has known me for soooo long and she rocks.

Nope. Nothing to worry about here!

The list sits in a drawer in my coffee table, along with the other details I have to keep track of about the wedding. I let it sit there. I think about it often. It is always in the back of my head, calling softly to me, like some siren that wants to have me crash upon the dangerous rocks. Or like a nagging Jewish grandmother who guilts you to the point you just want to throw yourself off a cliff. It's like a chicken you throw away in the garbage, it's sickening odor slowly seeping into the room, poisoning the atmosphere with its rotting carcass.


Oh my god. My invitation list reeks of decay.
This
is not
good.